People Pleasing and Perfectionism

This essay was originally published in my October 2024 newsletter.

Working With Your People Pleasing and Perfectionist Parts

I’ve worked hard over the years to learn more about my people pleasing/accommodating parts and my perfectionist parts. I’d take care of everyone in my life while stowing my own self-care away. Only to be opened up when everyone else was taken care of.

And my perfectionist part often led me to overdo. Always on my feet doing, overworking, obsessing about small things I could do differently. Especially being a Virgo, the perfectionism and overthinking could overwhelm me to the point of exhaustion.

Do either of these pats sound familiar? People pleasing and perfectionist parts often show up when you’re highly sensitive.

They help us manage our sensitivity but can go overboard and push us into feeling overwhelmed.

If you were raised in a family that didn’t know and understand HSPs, the messages you often heard were to shut down or control your feelings, control the over-stimulation and overwhelm, don’t be so sensitive. But you are sensitive! It’s an integral part of who you are, and it’s not something that needs “fixing!”

When I can get curious about these parts it helps me see them and how they came to work so hard.

I see the people pleasing part as the one who was told her needs were too much. She was too sensitive. She shouldn’t feel too much. So, she got really good at picking up on how others were feeling, and learned to care of their feelings, so her feelings didn’t burden them.

The perfectionist part worked hard to make sure everything was in order, so her sensitivities didn’t get in the way. If she could figure out how to control her environment, then maybe life wouldn’t feel so overwhelming and over stimulating.

It helps to see that their intentions are so honorable. They’re trying hard to manage being highly sensitive in a world that’s not sensitive to their needs.

As I said at the beginning of this piece, I’ve brought curiosity and compassion to these parts and built my inner resources to take care of my own needs in the moment. Are there times when I still work too hard, or minimize my own needs? Yes! Of course, because I’m a work in progress — always.

There are still certain situations where those parts show up and take over, but I’m better aware of when that happens and I can reflect, gain insight, and learn.

I’ll be bringing parts work into my Sacred Support Circle for Sensitive Women and I hope you’ll join me!