My Experience With IFS—internal Family Systems
This essay was originally shared in my newsletter and answers the question from a subscriber: “Can you share your experience with IFS therapy - who, in your opinion is a good fit for IFS therapy?”
I’ve been in therapy off and on since high school. My depression and anxiety got me there and the work around trauma kept me coming back. But until I became a therapist, I had no idea the depth and breadth of the different therapy options.
As therapists we’re required to get training to keep our licenses up to date. It’s an opportunity to learn new theories and practices. That’s how I got interested in Internal Family Systems, or IFS.
After my Level 1 training there was a persistent part of me that yearned to do the work for myself. It took a while to find someone to work with that was a good fit for me. And I’m so glad I pursued it.
What Is IFS? What Makes It So Different?
The most basic assumption of IFS is that we all have parts. We are a system of parts that sometimes work well together and sometimes not so much. And at the core of our being we all have a Self. The loving, caring, compassionate, creative, curious Self.
Here’s a brief description from the IFS Institute:
“IFS is a transformative tool that conceives every human being as a system of protective and wounded inner parts lead by a core Self. We believe the mind is naturally multiple and that is a good thing. Just like members of a family, inner parts are forced from their valuable states into extreme roles within us. Self is in everyone. It can’t be damaged. It knows how to heal. ”
Through life experiences, traumas, distress, early relationship attachment wounds, some parts get deeply wounded and others get take on the role of protecting us from further harm. Some protective parts become so fiercely activated that they blend with us. And that makes it hard to access Self.
From my own experience, I used to say, “I’m an anxious person.” Because my anxiety was so present all the time it just felt like me—like who I was. Through the work I’ve done with IFS, I recognize that the anxiety is just one part of me. And I have a lot of other parts, and my Self.
Because of my childhood trauma and the dynamic around it, I didn’t have a chance to heal my wounded parts back then. And other parts didn’t want me feeling the pain all the time. So, they jumped in to keep the emotional pain at bay, but those younger parts wanted to be seen and heard. And the struggle in my system between the wounded parts and the protectors showed up as a very anxious part.
Being able to see my anxiety as a part helps me create space enough in my system to better understand where it’s coming from and what it’s scared of.
When my anxious part does get activated, it can take some time to unblend to really hear what it needs me to know. But I know now that it usually surfaces when I have relationship struggles. Knowing that helps me feel more attuned to the part and helps me get curious about what it needs. And it helps that part feel seen, heard, and cared for.
We all have lots of other parts within us. Some of the most recognizable ones are:
The inner critical part
The perfectionist part
The worrier part
The planner part
The I want to control every outcome so I’m ready for anything part
The caretaker part
The empathic part
Sometimes protective parts can have some pretty extreme reactions to want to keep the pain at bay—no matter what.
Some of those extreme protectors include addictive parts—eating, drinking, gambling, shopping— avoidant parts, suicidal parts, and dissociative parts. These parts will do whatever it takes to shut down the pain.
IFS therapy
Richard Schwartz, PhD, the developer of IFS, says and reiterates in his most recent book, No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model.
They all come with good intentions. And sometimes we need to get in relationship with a part to better understand those intentions.
Through IFS you can learn to create a strong Self to parts relationship. That relationship can then calm the extreme protectors enough so that the exiled, wounded parts can heal.
Your system feels the Self energy and learns to trust that you can handle your life and take care of your parts.
Does that mean that more extreme parts never get activated? No. It means we have the tools, to listen, learn, and work to heal the wounds that get activated in times of stress.
IFS is for Everyone
I think IFS is for everyone, but it’s not always a good fit for everyone. You must decide if it’s the right fit for you and your parts.