Why do bad things happen to good people?
Woman longing | photo by @enginakyurt—unsplash
This post was inspired by a question from a reader and originally published in my newsletter.
Here’s the question: “Why do bad things happen to good people? How does one process or even challenge that myth of a question.”
What an interesting, difficult question to answer!
Here are my thoughts…
I can’t imagine a world where bad things only happened to bad people. I’m curious who the arbitrator of bad things would be. God? The universe? Karma? Who gets to decide who’s bad and who’s good? Is there a higher power that could make that happen?
The myth that bad things shouldn’t happen to good people conversely means that bad things should only happen to bad people. And that everyone is either good or bad. Is anyone of us one or the other.
Some people are just better at managing all of their parts—because of life circumstances. Not because they’re good or bad but because they were given the tools they needed early on. Tools like self-compassion, meeting feelings with openness not shame, and unconditional positive regard for their imperfections. And feeling compassion for others.
In real life, bad things happen to everyone. Everyone. Suffering is a part of life. And the way we deal with it when we’re suffering is probably a better place to put our focus.
So maybe, the question should be, “How do you take care of yourself when bad things happen?”
How indeed? Here are a few steps you can practice when life gets hard.
The first step is to be mindful of, to notice that you’re struggling. Most of us are taught or learned by example to actively talk ourselves out of suffering. Or maybe you’ve been told you need to change your mindset when difficult feelings arise. So you try to push the feelings away and think/feel something else.
But when you ignore and push your feelings away, you’re not giving yourself the chance to take care of you when bad things happen.
And taking care of ourselves when life feels really hard is a skill we all need. And if we have high sensitivity, it’s especially important. Because we feel things so deeply.
The second step is to remind yourself that everyone struggles and suffers from time-to-time. You’re not alone, and those feelings are a part of being human. Everyone struggles from time-to-time.
The third step is to take care of yourself and your feelings. Maybe some bad things happened to you or someone you consider a good person. Take some time to really feel it. And then treat yourself with loving kindness. And if you can’t come up with kind words for yourself, think about what you might say to a child, or loved one who’s going through something similar.
Try saying those phrases or words to yourself, or your younger parts who needed kindness and compassion.
Do any of these steps sound familiar? If they do it’s because this is how we practice self-compassion. Mindful awareness. Common Humanity. Self-kindness and compassion.
Did I answer the question or debunk the myth of “Why do bad things happen to good people?” Probably not. But I hope I gave you another way to help you through the tough times when they happen to you.
On the podcast I shared how self-compassion can soothe our inner-critical parts and be the antidote for our perfectionist part.
Would you like to submit a question or topic for the newsletter? I’d love to hear from you. Here’s the link!
Elizabeth Cush is a women’s life coach, a therapist, and the creator and host of the Woman Worriers and Awaken Your Wise Woman podcasts. She’s also the founder of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and has been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps women reduce stress and anxiety and live with more authenticity, ease and purpose. Click here if you'd like to know more about working with Elizabeth.