Boundaries can be really hard to define. They’re so personal and can be such a vulnerable space for us. Because when we begin to set boundaries:.

• we're learning to reflect on and feel our feelings, and our needs. So, that can be vulnerable.

• and then we need to share what it is we need, and the boundary that we need to put in place with others. That can be a scary, frightening, and an uncomfortable space for many of us.

And I think women in particular struggle with this more than most men for lots of reasons. I think men from an early age are almost encouraged to set boundaries, where women are encouraged to be people pleasers— kind, willing to compromise, saying “no” nicely. And when you’re taught to be a people pleaser, always taking care of other’s needs, it’s hard to be true to yourself.

So, our upbringing and society are a part of why boundaries can be hard for women. But just as important:

• if we've experienced trauma, emotional neglect, or abuse

• if wasn't safe to speak up for ourselves to share how we feel

• if our feelings were minimized or ignored or shamed

We learned from the start, that it was better to stay quiet. It was better to stay small, because if we spoke up, or if we shared our feelings and needs, we opened ourselves up to either hurt or pain or not being seen, even when we did speak up.

I know, and have lived, how hard it is to shift from a place of being a people pleaser, to a self-advocate. To actually listen to myself and trust that it’s okay to speak up—that's taken some time. And as hard as it was to learn to feel and trust my feelings, and trust that it's okay to speak up for what I need, what I want, that was been the biggest, best shift in my life.

I learned to trust me.

Boundaries and Trust Go Hand in Hand

Trust, and vulnerability, and boundary setting they’re all tied together and linked in such important ways.

 Because, when you don't trust that you know what you need, it's really hard to stand firm in your boundaries. Instead, you're relying on others to set the boundaries for you, and they don't know what you need. They don't know how you're feeling. They don't know what's happening for you. 

And making others set boundaries puts a burden them. You’re hoping that they’ll understand— somehow through some psychic intuition— what your needs are and how you're feeling. And that's not very fair to the people in our lives.

We also have to trust that the people we care about are going to honor our boundaries and recognize that they're important for the health of the relationship.

For me, it took work. It took, asking for help. It took diving deep and finding that trust in my Self.

Learn what you need from yourself and from others

Through coaching, you’ll learn to tune in, and listen to how you're feeling. Really, truly listen. And be with your feelings, identify them, speak them, write them. Let them be there.

You’ll work with the parts that want to stay quiet, and those that shame or criticize you, and the parts that keep you small.  You’ll find that you can help them feel safe and secure within you, so that when you do speak up, you feel solid, and comfortable, or at least less uncomfortable when you begin setting boundaries.

As you continue to keep your promises to yourself, you’ll create trust within your system. You’ll be building your inner foundation—your knowing, your intuition, and your values.

And it’s okay to need some help in the process! When the foundation of self-trust wasn’t built early on, having a life coach will help you see your value, and your worth. The work helps you validate how you're feeling and what you need. You’ll become reacquainted with your intuition and wisest Self, and you’ll learn to feel yourself fully again.

I get it. I get that it's hard. I get that it can be a struggle to take that first step. But I also know that the first step can be the first of many, many steps moving forward. And if this is where you are, I would love to work with you. I would love to help you move from a place of feeling small, without a voice, to feeling confident and authentically yourself.

I would love to help you step forward into your life feeling alive and in touch with your Self.

Elizabeth Cush is a women’s life coach, a therapist, and the creator and host of the Woman Worriers and Awaken Your Wise Woman podcasts. She’s also the founder of Progression Counseling in Annapolis, Md and has been featured in these major publications. Elizabeth helps women bring forth their inner gifts and live with more authenticity, ease and purpose. Click here if you'd like to know more about working with Elizabeth.

Photo by @iankeefe—Unsplash