This essay was originally published in my newsletter.

Sometimes a song gets stuck in my head in the middle of the night. In fact, when it happens and I get up to pee, a few lines a few lines of the song will be playing again and again and again. Like a broken record. And it’s usually still there cycling when I wake up in the morning.

My kids and husband have heard me talk about this time and again.

I shared this in a professional group and my friend and colleague Laura suggested it was a trauma memory bubbling up trying to be heard.

I told her that if I’m still singing that same song when I wake up, I usually try to listen to something else to make it stop.

Here’s what Laura replied, “But that’s pushing the feelings away. And what we need to do is bring the part that wants your attention closer and hold them with care and compassion.” Such wise words.

When Trauma Memories Bubble Up

The reminder that trauma memories can surface unconsciously in unique, terrifying, or annoying ways—like the same music lyrics looping through your mind over and over again—really landed with me.

Because when trauma memories do arise most of us don’t want to feel them. So, we avoid, dismiss, and distract ourselves. We, as a society, have been so programmed to push hard stuff away—uncomfortable feelings, pain in our bodies, painful memories—that holding space for compassion and kindness feels hard.

It was hard to admit that even though I know that holding my parts with softness can ease the burdens I carry, sometimes my first impulse is to push them away.

Why is Giving Kindness to Ourselves So Hard?

Those long-heard messages around being tough, not wallowing in your feelings, and moving on, have deep roots. So, doing things differently—giving myself care and kindness—takes a lot of practice. And can feel just as uncomfortable as the memories and feelings of trauma.

Think about that…Offering ourselves compassion and care can bring as much dis-ease as our trauma memories. Especially if we weren’t shown compassion for our feelings and sensitivities as a child.

Messages of shame, and selfishness around self-kindness often play in our head.

It hurts me deeply —brings tears to my eyes as I write this—to think that our culture and many of our families have passed down the message that it’s okay to be kind to strangers, but it’s shameful and selfish be kind to yourself. How F#CKED is that?

It’s pretty terrible.

Try a Little Self-Compassion

More recently, when I do have a song that wakes me up and is with me in the morning, I listen. Listen to the words. Listen to their meaning for me. And I try to be open to whatever message my subconscious parts are bringing to me.

Most of the time the lyrics relate to a struggle I’m having in my life that feels familiar to old wounds. It might be a worry I’ve put on the backburner, or pain I’ve felt and ignored. Taking time to listen and notice what arises gives me a chance to offer myself the compassion I needed then and what I need right now.

If there isn’t a clear memory that surfaces, I’m working on saying to the part that’s brought the song to me, “Thank you for sharing this. I hear you and I’ll keep listening.”

How might things shift if you were able to bring care, kindness, and compassion into your relationship with yourself?