Do you struggle with setting boundaries? Or work hard to avoid conflict? If so, you may be doing yourself a disservice. I’m much better at setting boundaries these days than I used to be, but it can still be a struggle—although I have learned that it’s worth the effort!

I have a lot of memories of “going along” so as not to create waves or disturb the peace. I was afraid that saying “No,” or expressing differing opinions, would disturb the peace.

A deeply rooted part of me believes that staying quiet, small and very still is the safest place to be, all the time. If I’m quiet and still, I won’t get hurt.

But “quiet and still” also means I’m not seen or heard. Through my healing journey, I have learned that being seen and heard, although uncomfortable at times, feels more alive and authentic than disappearing for the sake of peace. And being seen means I have to set and hold onto the boundaries I’ve built. It’s not always easy, and I don’t always get it right, but as I’ve continued the work, being seen and heard has become a healthy habit.

What to do with hurt feelings

A few years ago I stopped by a friend’s home when she had a group of people over. Earlier that day, I’d asked if she could join me for dinner, and she said she was staying in. I’d stopped by to say “Hi,” and was surprised that other people I knew had been invited to hang out, and I’d been excluded.

I put on a good face, smiled and pretended that my feelings weren’t hurt. I didn’t want to cause trouble. Another friend approached me and said, “I told [my other friend] that you wouldn’t mind if you weren’t invited.”

And I replied something like, “Yeah, I don’t need to be included in everything!” Inside I was overwhelmed with hurt and angry feelings, but in the moment, I didn’t want to be a problem. I wanted to make peace, and so I stayed quiet and probably drank too much wine.

Later, I wondered why it was okay for them to lie to me. And why my “friends” thought it was better to lie than to tell the truth about not including me. I also wondered whether, as a result of my staying quiet and not sharing my feelings on other occasions, they really didn’t know me at all.

The risk and reward of finding your voice

Today I can say I’ve learned that it’s okay to go back and readdress the boundaries, to get curious about why I let them go, and to reinforce how important they are to me. That it’s okay to say, “I’m not okay!”

Staying quiet, not exploring or expressing my displeasure only makes me feel more resentful and hurt.

There was a time, not long before this happened that I would have stayed quiet, and let the pain fester and grow inside me. But I had begun my journey of being seen and heard by others and I knew I couldn’t put aside my hurt this time.

A few days later I messaged my friend and said that we needed to talk. I shared how hurt I was and that I did mind being left out and lied to, and that I needed things to change in our relationship. It was really hard to be that vulnerable, and a part of me didn’t want to.

Honestly, my facing the issue didn’t change our relationship that much, but it shifted something inside me. I realized I could disturb the peace and actually feel better. Saying, “No, I don’t like how you treated me,” set a boundary within me, and that helped me see our relationship a little differently.

Many of our relationships will change as we begin setting new boundaries. Some grow with us, and are strengthened, because we’re showing up more authentically. Some don’t make it, because it’s hard for some people to tolerate the new boundaries. And for some relationships, we decide it’s time to move on.

If you’re ready to change the story…

Setting healthier boundaries takes practice and patience as we learn what we need and begin to set new limits. Being self-compassionate when we don’t always get it right can make the process a lot easier.

It took a lot of work for me to recognize that it was time to let these friendships go and grieve the loss. Setting boundaries that took care of me was the first step.

I’d love to help you set clearer, healthier boundaries in your life. When exploring the parts of you that fall back into old patterns and stories that you’re now ready to change, a shift can happen. You begin to live more authentically.

Let’s schedule a free 30-minute discovery call to get started and see if working with me as a coach would be the right next step for you.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez—Unsplash